I found the MOST INSANE streaming movie ever
No Content for Old Men
with Matt Craig
In this week's newsletter: A very special review! If you're like me, and quarantine has burned you out streaming movies night after night, I have the perfect palate cleanser. It is, bar none, the most insane movie premise I've ever come across. And I brought on a special guest contributor to help me break it down.
Word Count: 1,600 words
Approximate Reading Time: 7 minutes
The VelociPastor
After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.
Wow. "A Man of the Claw" !! No idea where to start with that premise. So I'd like to introduce my friend Justin Birnbaum, my new official Bad Movie Correspondent, to help me make sense of the movie. We're going to go back and forth before watching, at the halfway point of the movie, and then again when it's over. I'll provide enough summary information so you can follow our conversation even if you don't want to watch this 70-minute disasterpiece.
Matt: Justin, I know you watch a lot of bad movies. Is this the craziest premise for a movie you’ve ever heard of?
Justin: First off, I don’t watch bad movies. I watch great movies. But I have to be honest with you, this is by far the most ludicrous premise of any movie I’ve ever seen.
M: That’s a great place to start. Do we think the filmmaker (Brendan Steere) put this together earnestly? Like did he think he was making the next “Citizen Kane” here? I tend to think he must’ve been going for shock value from the start.
J: I want to believe this was a dead serious project. Maybe that’s just the optimist in me. If it were only a priest with dinosaur abilities, you might have had me. But when you throw in an all-knowing prostitute steering the VelociPastor toward the greater good, you have to think the filmmaker is screwing with us a bit. In fact, any two of those three and I would believe it. But the conjunction of all three is where it goes off the rails.
M: I read somewhere that Steere first got the idea when he misspelled "velociraptor" in a text message. And apparently, this started as a project for Steere in film school.
J: Did he fail out?
M: Evidently not. His original 4-minute VelociPaster short got 53,000 views on YouTube, pretty good considering he only has 400 subscribers. I can see the ironic appeal of making something crazy for a class. But my thing is this. The short came out in 2011, and this feature in 2019. Which means Steere literally spent eight years dedicated to the idea that “The VelociPastor” was going to be his big break. Imagine having to raise money ($35,000, reportedly) and get people to believe in a project as insane as this.
J: Bear with me here. How do we know this isn’t his big break? We have yet to watch this. This movie could redefine our lives, possibly even change our outlook on the universe. Reserve your judgment, Mr. Craig.
M: Well I just looked it up, and this thing did win the “Far Out Feature Film Award” at the South African Horrorfest. This is the same festival that “Dr. Sleep” premiered at! Maybe it’s good. Or maybe it's just one of those classic cult B-movies. What are you expecting?
J: Well, at the very least I hope this film inspires me to pretend I’m a T-Rex and stomp around my house roaring at my quarantined family members.
M: Like Richard Jenkins in Step Brothers.
J: Better than Richard Jenkins. But, as the hallmark of any low budget sci-fi flick, I expect horrible special effects and a thin-but-kind-of-stable plot. Oh, and at least one gratuitous lovemaking scene.
We catch back up midway through the movie, having already witnessed the following insane things:
1. Our protagonist Doug watches his parents get murdered via car bomb (except on screen the bomb is replaced with the text “VFX: Car on Fire”).
2. An older priest--played by the director’s father--consoles Doug by saying, “It’s what parents do, they die on you.”
3. Doug finds a dying ninja in the forests of China (which looks an awful lot like upstate New York), and receives a cursed artifact.
4. Doug transforms into a dinosaur, murders a mugger, befriends a self-described “hooker-doctor-lawyer."
5. Doug learns a foul-mouthed pimp named Frankie Mermaid murdered his parents, so he reaches a dino claw through a confessional screen and rips Frankie’s throat.
6. Doug tries to teach the hooker-doctor-lawyer (HDL) about God using a book entitled, “Who’s Who in the Bible.” We see him reading other titles such as, “All About Dinosaurs” and “Crime 2.”
7. Doug and HDL agree to use Dino Doug for good--by killing bad guys. They grow closer during an extended “training” montage.
8. The Older Priest/Dad arranges a meeting between Doug and an unlicensed exorcist with a Cool Uncle vibe.
M: Whew, still processing. Craziest moment so far?
J: Wow. So many to choose from. My personal favorite is when Doug rips Frankie Mermaid’s throat to shreds in a confessional, prefaced by this riveting piece of dialogue: “I don’t know nothin’, you might as well just kill me now.” “Okay.” That’s justice chief. What about you?
M: Pretty clear at this point the filmmakers aren’t taking the movie too seriously. There’s a moment where the Chinese ninjas (one of whom has blonde hair and blue eyes) laugh uninterrupted for a solid two minutes. And the montage! Justin, I know you love a good montage.
J: What stood out most to me is the continuous shots of Doug hitting the gym. If you can transform into a crime-fighting dinosaur, why are kettlebell swings important? But more importantly, I’m really sold on Doug’s acting. Maybe it’s because he looks like a combination of Ben Stiller and Michael C. Hall, but I am FEELING this performance. HDL not too bad either.
M: I actually think HDL lowkey isn’t a bad actress. But whoever cast Frankie Mermaid deserves an award. On a scale of 1-10, he’s turned up to 11 at all times. I’m pretty sure that dude shaved the top of his head bald for this role.
J: And for all of the readers out there who have no plans to watch this and wonder what Frankie Mermaid looks like, picture Shia LaBeouf in Honey Boy mixed with the pimps from Norbit.
M: I think there's a crucial question to ask at this juncture. Doug and HDL. Will they or won’t they?
J: I’d bet the moon on the eventual union between Dinoman and woman.
The end credits roll. No spoilers on what happens in the second half of the movie (other than this...WILL THEY). Suffice it to say, things don’t get any less crazy. Here are some final thoughts.
J: I’m disappointed. I love movies that are so outrageously awful that we find some way to appreciate them. Instead, this movie cuts itself in on the joke as if it’s some sort of parody trying to urge us to laugh. It would be have been better as “the perfect bad movie” rather than “this movie is bad and we know it.”
M: Totally agree. Which is too bad, because there’s a moment a little over halfway through the movie where the Older Priest/Dad is supposedly in Vietnam, and his girlfriend from back home shows up...somehow, and they’re frolicking toward each other...and then she gets blown up by a landmine. And it’s the hardest I’ve laughed at a movie in a while. At that point, the movie was starting to win me over. There’s a certain energy to the idea of the viewer thinking, “I’m not sure whether the filmmakers realize how ridiculous this is.” Then the whole movie turns. Every joke becomes so blatant. Ugh. Being earnest isn’t cool these days. Everyone’s got to have their little wink or make a Jim Face towards the camera. Once we were asked to laugh with them instead of at them, I stopped laughing.
J: Yep. That turned the tide for me. But at the very least, it’s a fantastic premise. So let’s pretend you’re casting a $50 million remake of The VelicoPastor tomorrow. Everyone is available. Give me your key players.
M: Great question. The most obvious choice for director is Sam Raimi, because he’s done something similar with the “Evil Dead” movies. But why not shoot for the stars. Can you imagine what Quentin Tarintino would do with this material? He’s an encyclopedia when it comes to exploitation movies. Doug should be someone kinda creepy but also sympathetic...I’m thinking Cillian Murphy. He'd really inhabit the part. For “Carol,” a.k.a. hooker-doctor-lawyer, we need someone seductive who can kick ass, so Alicia Vikander is a smart addition. The only older priest I can see in my mind is Sam Elliot. And it literally could not be a Tarintino movie without Samuel L. Jackson, so I’m slotting him in as Frankie Mermaid. Throw that group together with a legit CGI budget, let Tarintino do a rewrite of the script, and you’re looking at something like 10 Oscars and $200 million at the box office. How would you approach it?
J: I’m glad you asked Matt. At the helm I'd put the “Disaster Artist” himself, Tommy Wiseau -- guaranteed to turn any movie into a gem, disaster or not. As a leading man, I’m going Tom Cruise. Because HE CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH. Plus, I’m sure he’d do all of his own stunts and I’d love to see how many shots of him running we’d get. Just to spice things up with a meta-narrative, I’d cast Katie Holmes as the primary love interest, Carol/HDL. I’d have Christopher Lloyd (Doc Brown from Back to the Future) portraying the older priest. He can't sell a landmine explosion as well as this director's dad, Dr. Daniel Steere, but he'd add humor and gravitas to that role. Lastly, I spoke to how Frankie Mermaid looked like Shia LaBeouf in Honey Boy, so let’s bring Shia in. He’s an incredible actor, Transformers be damned.
M: Would you recommend this one hour and 10 minute experience to any of our readers out there? And if not, give us another Bad Movie that’s more fun in its place.
J: I already have recommended it. While we were typing this up, I sent out a mass text blast informing many trusted friends and acquaintances of the 35 minutes of greatness to open this film. From there, it’s boom or bust from person to person based on how much you like B-movies. Anyone interested even remotely should check out Darkman. What do you get when Sam Raimi wants to make a superhero flick but can’t acquire any IP? DARKMAN. Liam Neeson is Dr. Peyton Westlake, who gets burned alive by an organized crime operation, removing all of his skin. Doctors sever all of his nerves to ease the pain, coincidentally giving him super strength (obviously). After using his medical expertise to create liquid artificial skin, he hunts the men who did this to him by disguising himself as them. DARKMAN!! There are three of these films. I recommend all of them.
M: You never fail to disappoint. Thanks for your help this week Justin. Stay safe and stay away from any dinosaurs out there. Or ninjas. Or prostitutes. Or priests, just to be safe.
Trailer Watch: Capone
Tom Hardy starring in an Al Capone biopic? Say no more. And based on this trailer, it looks like this could actually be a prestige film, focusing on Capone's much debated final years after he was released from prison. It's written and directed by Josh Trank, the wunderkind who tanked his career with the disastrous Fantastic Four reboot, so we know he NEEDS this movie to be really good. Hopefully movie theaters open back up in time for us to find out.